Are We Bored Yet?

A random sampling of survey questions that have been posted lately and my answers:

Have you ever: Asked your friends to crush out?
Okay, what the fuck does this mean? Am I asking my friends to have a crush on a guy? Stop having a crush on a guy? Both are ridiculous requests. If my friend has a crush on a guy, then she is under the power of something beyond my control. I couldn't even begin to explain this one to someone: Uh, Jenny, I have, like, this really really really big favor to ask you? You know that guy Bob? Well, I have, like, a crush on his friend Smith? And I thought it would, you know, be soooo cool if you could have a crush on Bob? That way we'd be totally crushing out!

Have you ever: Asked a guy out just because he was hott?
I'm not certain. What is hott? Is it an abbreviation of something, like hot to trot, in which case, if I answer yes, I come across as the biggest ass on the planet. But if its some sort of acronym for, say, having only two testicles, then by all means will I say yes, because guys with three testicles are just not my thing.

Fox/Thor?
Again with the what the fuck? This is in reference to something a boy would wear. I have been racking my brain for minutes now and I can't recall any guys I've seen out lately (and I live in hipster paradise) wearing vests made of animal fur or big horned hats. And while I rarely find myself judging others based on their clothing (please, I married a man who wears polo shirts to a hardcore club!), I might find it hard to see beyond the flagon of ale hanging around his hip.

Do you avoid situations with ugly guys?
And what situations would these be? Is situations the new relations? Am I getting biblical with these ugly guys? Well, I don't know. Are they hott?

Do you miss someone?
Yeah, I missed hitting the face of the author of these surveys when I spit at them.

Are you tired? And: Are you excited?
Two separate questions, equal in their idiocy. Do I need to come up with a snarky reply for these, or are you catching my drift here? [And I'm sorry, but what, what, what are we excited about here? I didn't include the question that followed, asking if I'm wearing pants. All of this leaves me to believe that entire survey was created by the most passive-aggressive internet voyeur I've ever met. I mean, first he wants to know if I'm tired (as in not tonight, honey?), then he wants to know if I'm excited. By what, his dumb-ass survey? Please.]


Are you watching t.v.?
No, asshole, I'm staring at the computer, otherwise I wouldn't be killing my own brain cells trying to come up with those perfect answers so others reading my survey will think I'm 1)evasive, but not too; 2)clever, but not evasive; 3)never planning on falling in love again.

Ever spit at someone?
See question above.

Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the Earth?
Yes. Bob, because he wont let Jenny crush out.

How do you flush the toilet in public?
You have got to be fucking kidding me. What exactly am I telling you if I answer, With my foot or while holding a bunch of paper towels? I'm telling you I don't wash my hands after I pee. What if I say, Flush the toilet, what are you, a jokester?? Then I'm evasive, but not too. And if I admit to using my hand unsheathed, then I am reckless, a dangerous fool who takes the lives of those she loves into her own possibly germ and pee-soaked hands and flaunts it at the world! MWA-HA-HA! I dare you to touch me now, Thor!