(Almost) The Traveling Death and Resurrection Show, by Ariel Gore

So I parted my hair on the other side, just for a lark, and I think the redistribution of weight has made my brain all wacky. Seriously, I'm not thinking right. Maybe I've made myself left-brained. Actually my brain has always been kinda balanced, which always led to much confusion in the life-planning: Writer? or Marine Biologist? There is no combining, people.

This was supposed to be a review of The Traveling Death and Resurrection Show, by Ariel Gore, but I just don't have it in me. Last night, I had great stuff, but Rick decided he was ready to write the script that's been tooling around his head for a year or so. I'm a spontaneous writer so it's not like I could write it down and type it up later. Please. Procrastination is my best friend. Just buy the book and read it already. It's fucking fantastic. I read it in a day.

But while I was pining for the computer (we so need another one, or a laptop--hey Mom! My birthday's in June, remember?) (She really doesn't remember sometimes, so I have to remind her), I was thinking of Catholic mythology. It's important to the book, so if you're not well-schooled, know someone who is--but still read the book, don't let being Jewish or Hindu stop you from reading a book with Catholic themes.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, catholicism. I was raised in a religiously lax house and baptized Greek Orthodox (whose reigning chant is "Our Christianity is older than your Christianity! Neener!"), which is a cool religion, as far a religion goes (not a fan of the organized sort). It's got chanting like in synogogues, and incense and lots of stained glass and icons everywhere. Plus, liturgies are in another language. I like not quite understanding what the priest is saying. It makes it all more mysterious. Which is the point of the whole Jesus thing anyway. Mystery.

But Catholics have a strangle hold on all of our entertainment mythology. Vampires? Catholic (hello! Holy Water, crucifixes--also Orthodox, but does anybody mention that? Would an ankh send a vampire into spasms of pain?). The Exorcist? Catholic. (Why oh why did William Peter Blatty make his Greek character a Catholic priest? Cuz catholic priests kick ass, apparently) Even The Omen is Catholic-centered, though the Evangelicals have pretty much cornered the market on End Times these days.

Why Catholic? Because it's kind of creepy? All that black and incense and stories about demonic possessions (except those stories are in the bible and could be claimed by any religion). Plus, Latin is a scary sounding language. It sounds kind of like people are speaking backwards to someone with mild cognitive disabilities. The Church lost so much when it started saying its masses in English.

I've always wanted to be Catholic--a little. I wanted the Saint cards and a rosary. They're so pretty! Plus, Catholic school uniforms are cute, unless you go to a school with stupid colors (like Mt. Carmel). Of course, I don't have Catholic guilt or that holdover from going to a Catholic school all my friends seem to. (what do they do to you in those schools, anyway, that everyone's so fucked up?) And they have cool special prayers they say that supposedly make one feel better. Plus, because I'm part Irish, I could say, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" and not be faking. It would be real Oh, yes it would.

But, alas, I'm not. I'm not really anything, but I say Greek Orthodox when others ask, mostly because the majority of the population doesn't know what the hell that is. And all of you know how much I love being different. And I'm not lying. I was baptized, have attended, and was married in an Orthodox church. I just always secretly wish I'd had one of those ceremonies where all the little girls dress up as brides (can anyone say slightly pedophiliac?) and I still remember my friend Meghan (Mary Meghan Murphy--how Irish Catholic is that? She never took advantage by saying "Jesus, Mary and Joseph", though.) had some rite of passage where she got to choose another name. How fucking cool is that?

Hello, today my name is Seraphina.